The nostalgia of sounds and smells ...

He ALWAYS had the best matchbox and hot wheels cars tucked away in his dresser. They sat in the middle drawer, on the right hand side in a (now) ancient Hot Wheels carrying case, and in the original cardboard sleeves ... and I was ALWAYS desperate to play with them.

It was an ongoing battle for most of my childhood: I would sneak in and 'borrow' the tiny toy cars and he would take them back then smack me around for my misdemeanours ... I was never thwarted for long though. I would be back trying again and again and again ...

As I got older I would sneak into Scott's room and carefully and quietly open the drawer to pull out the cars I wanted and one ear was always listening for a car door, or the rattle of the front door lest I get caught pilfering his drawer ...

Today, the dresser sits in my bed room at the foot of the bed, far from its original home, and even though the sounds of the handles being lifted and let go, and the pull of the drawers still makes me listen for a car door, or the front door (it's instinctive now!!!), I know (sadly) that I no longer have a big brother to fear finding me taking his stuff ... but there is a strange comfort in the familiar sounds the handles make when you open the drawer, and the woody smell that still permeates the dresser ... and even though the cars are tucked away in the basement, I still open the middle drawer on the right side expecting to see the familiar orange carrying case (I've thought about putting it back just because ...).

As I use the dresser, I think of Scott and all the memories - good, bad and in between - that are part of the journey we had together ... I think about him and how much I miss him ... I think about him and how much he influenced me whether he realized it or not ...

This week has been a series of nostalgic moments ... making strawberry pie for Beetle, tidying up afghans and quilts and tucking them in the old cedar chest, moving and sorting a few boxes, and just surveying the assortment of stuff that has come home from Mom's ... over and over the sounds and the scents have triggered deep memories of childhood, growing up in Stratford, hanging out at home, and just being part of the family circle that was Mom, Scott and I ... they have been good memories that brought a smile to my face, and a tear or two to my eyes ... but memories that brought comfort and a reminder that even though they are are gone, they are still very much part of my heart and soul ...

It is funny how powerful a memory can be when triggered by a sound or a scent ... I feel it everytime I open the middle drawer on the dresser ... I wait to hear his voice from the kitchen: "What the hell are you doing in my dresser??" ... and even though it would mean a beating, I would love to hear it one more time just for old time's sake!!!!